there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
