just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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