It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
