I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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