I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm both gender and math confused
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
