You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
