I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
