Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
