I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Houston, we have a squirter
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
