you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
