At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
