I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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