Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
