she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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