i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
