Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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