yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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