birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
