you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
