i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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