I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
