They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
