I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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