If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
