You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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