Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
