she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I touched a dick in church today
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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