So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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