The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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