Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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