My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
