I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
