who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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