his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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