My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
