plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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