I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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