on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
