Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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