i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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