brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
My first STD was from a foam party
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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