I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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