Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
