my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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