I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
