i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
