I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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