If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
