I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
