i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
