I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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