when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
