I puked a lego.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
