Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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