The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
