dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
