my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
